The last time I officially weighed myself (for the blog) was a month ago, where I weighed in at 177.4. That was a huge accomplishment for me, since the last time I was in the 170s was in winter of 2006.
And then my birthday week happened.
That week turned into two. I was eating everything in sight.
It wasn’t so much what I was eating but how much of it I was consuming.
I became a bottomless pit.
I got too comfortable and too arrogant about my progress.
My mind was filled with what could have, would have, and should have been.
I woke up some mornings regretting what I had eaten. It wasn’t guilt. I literally felt sick to my stomach and my head hurt from all the crap I ate. My energy levels were low. My motivation was depleted.
The night before the San Diego Blood Bank 5K, I weighed myself. And 191 stared back at me from the scale.
That’s when it hit me.
I needed to stop destroying myself. Now.
And after a solid week, I feel like I have resumed some normalcy.
Back in May, I got an extremely welcoming email from the 180s. This morning, my inbox was flooded once again.
Dear Jess,
Last time you left the 180s, we didn’t send you off properly. It was as if we weren’t ready to part just yet. Lo and behold, you were back in the 180s for a brief stint. I’m glad you didn’t get comfortable here, because it’s not where you belong. We love you, but we want you to press further on this healthy journey. As much as you find comfort in the 180s, we don’t want you here any more.
Embrace the 170s. We’re proud of you, and be proud of yourself.
Love,
The 180s
My response:
Dear The 180s,
You’re right. I have been comfortable with you for too long. But I am now ready to officially say good bye. We’ve had a good run. I’ve seen you way too many times since 2006. And I don’t want to see you ever again. You are more dangerous than the 200s, because at least in the 200s, the red lights and sirens start going off in my head. In the 180s, I justify to myself that a few pounds is alright. I’ve gotten too comfortable here.
But no more. We’ve had a fun run, but it’s time for me to go.
See you. Never again.
Love,
Jess
The other email I got should have come a month ago, but it was as if I knew that I needed to go into a two-week funk before I was ready to progress further along. I needed this ten-minute rest stop on this journey called life, but I’m now ready to hit the roads again.
Dear Jess,
Last time you were here, we didn’t get to throw you a welcome party. We wanted you here, but it was as if we all knew you weren’t ready for it mentally. You needed that little setback, that brief relapse, to realize what you truly wanted and needed.
And now you’re back.
We can’t tell you how glad we are to see you. Keep it up, lady! You’re approaching 90 pounds total loss. You’re approaching 10 full-form push-ups in a row. You’re doing great!
We know you can do this. Believe in yourself. You’ve got this.
Love,
The 170s
My response:
Dear The 170s,
It is really good to be back. You don’t even know. When I entered the 180s again, I felt like it was the end of the world. But I needed to realize that it wasn’t. I needed to re-discover balance. I needed to take a break in order to refuel my motivation and determination.
I’m glad to see you again. Seriously. I’m so close to 90 pounds total loss. I won’t fail myself this time. I’ve got this. I can do this.
Love,
Jess
It’s good to be back in the 170s again. I now realize that my two-week funk wasn’t disastrous. In fact, it taught me a lot about myself.
This week’s weight: 178.2
This week’s goals:
1. Pack 1 box to ship to DC.
2. Swim 1600 meters.
3. Do a 2-minute plank.
4. Do a 2-minute wall chair.
5. Make Tara’s Couswalnachalicious.
I learned that it is alright, and necessary, to give myself a break from time to time. I needed to work through this down time, mentally and physically.
I have emerged. Victorious.
Are you in a funk? Take a deep breath. Don’t beat yourself up.
What are you struggling with? How can I help?
What are three fitness goals you have for the week?
What are three things you’re proud of this week? Brag about it!
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Female. 23 years old. Chinese. Cook. Foodie. UCLA grad. Traveler. Musician. Scuba diver. Law student. Runner.
Awww Jess what a great post. So many people feel like they can’t bounce back from something like this and here you are letting us know not only can you bounce back but you can do it with a vengence!!!
My struggles include not paying attention to the scale as much as what my body is doing. To be where I am today compared to 6 months ago is nothing short of a miracle and I need to remember that.
But my brags are pretty awesome! Onderland (and its sticking) and 10k race are the two things I can check off this wondrous journey! Oh and I signed up for half marathon. Such craziness!
We all need to take a deep breath and realize the proverbial 10 minute break does not mean we stop striving for the finish line…
Tara´s last blog Run- Tara- Run – The red box – Inspiration
Correction. 10K race in your VIBRAMS which you barely got not that long ago. Talk about amazing, Bumblebee. Super proud of you.
I think the funk was like a refueling rest stop. Now I’m back in action, like Lightning McQueen!
Don’t let the scale define you, you know that. We’re all more than just a number.
Great post, Jess.
I so feel you, and I feel like I’m in a funk myself. About 5 lbs. have creeped onto my 185-liking frame. I can’t get them off for the life of me, and it’s SO annoying. Granted, my clothes haven’t stopped fitting or anything like that, I just want to get back to maintaining 185.
What I’m struggling with-First, my workouts got lazy, where I was only working out (and these were easy workouts) for about 2-3 times a week, which I’ve fixed. But I still have problems with food. I just LOVE it. I love the taste, the smell, the texture, EVERYTHING. It fills my emotional voids, STILL. I makes me happy to eat good food. It’s just food. I think that will always be my problem.
Other than that, I’m trying to bounce back from this weight gain the best I can, with tracking my calories and upping my workouts. Still, it’s not like it’s water weight, so it’s slow coming off, and all I can do is hang in there.
So, I feel you, and keep up the good work.
Remember, it’s just five pounds. You can re-gain control. It takes a little bit, because our bodies are so much more inclined to be lazy (since it’s just much more comfortable that way) but the second you kick everything back into gear, you’ll feel so much better. I’ve regained my confidence and re-demonstrated to myself that I can do this.
I definitely feel you on the food. My birthday week was not good because all I did was eat, eat, and eat. And everything was so delicious. And hey, that’s ok! I ate what I needed to, and realized that too much of anything is a bad thing.
You should see if Eminem will do a remix of Stan with these =)
Considering how Em’s new stuff is AWESOME, I think he should. Shall we email his PR?
I’m cheering for you over here Jess! I love that you have successfully gotten yourself over the first speed bump in your progress and you’re back with a vengeance and storming your way into the 170s! Congrats on your vigilance and determination and overcoming your funk!
As for me – I’m proud of a few things this week: surviving double bootcamp day on Monday, sticking with my new food plan and seeing some serious results (still have to post about this later) and doing 10 perfect form push ups from my toes!
Keep inspiring me, and yourself!
Meegan´s last blog Perspective & Weight Loss
Double boot camp day sounds painful, in a happy sore way
I’m glad you survived and pushed yourself to the limits!
Nice job on the 10 full-form push-ups! I still haven’t quite gotten to 10 in a row yet but I’m almost there. Will be epic when I do.
I think the detour was necessary and I’ve realized that hey, I’m still ok! It’s made me come back even stronger and feeling even more powerful.
I am still suffering a little from double boot camp Monday, but I don’t regret it for a second!
I think detours are absolutely necessary sometimes. There’s usually a reason we end up taking them. And yes for stronger and powerful!!
Have a kick ass weekend Jess!
Meegan´s last blog Perspective & Weight Loss
Wow that’s CRAZY. How the heck did you lose almost 20 pounds in 2 weeks? Nutsers. Anyways, I commend you for taking the wake-up call and for getting your bootay in ACTION!
As for my fitness goals, I guess I’d like to see some leaner arms. My arms are weak and sort of flabby (in my opinion anyways), and it would be very nice to see some definition. As of yet, however, I have no game plan. Some kind of goal, eh? LOL. I guess I also want some nice back muscles. No game plan for that one either.
But one of these days. Maybe you can teach me some tricks when we move out to the East together, huh?
xo Aletheia
I don’t think it was actually true 20 pounds. Maybe more like 6 or 7 pounds. A lot of water retention from salt, alcohol, y’know.
Toning your muscles requires strength training, and it’s one of the things I love most about my workouts. You can only become as strong/fast as your weakest link. I’ll write a strength training post soon
Maybe that’ll help.
I’m excited for you to go to Hopkins! That means you will only be a bus ride away and we can greenola!
Yes, I ‘ve been in a funk for almost a month now. I’m realizing that I get hungry a lot more but dont want to over eat. That turns into hunger which turns into me making bad food choices.
3 fitness goals
1.Work out 6x’s this week
2. Lose 2 pounds
3.Drink more water!
3 things I’m proud of
1. I know wear a size 14 pants/short
2. I enjoy working out before work now-I’m an early bird
3. I went on vacation, worked out, ate decent and didnt gain a pound. YES!
Maybe it might help if you thought of food in terms of fuel. You’re hungry, your body is asking for fuel, so you should give it some. Because there will be a certain point where your brain knows it’s not hungry but the control just shuts down (I still don’t know why this happens, but I’ve been there).
Either way, YOU, my dear girl, rocked vacation so well! I saw those pictures of you and your siblings, and you look great! Plus, you worked out during your trip and made conscious decisions. That takes sheer will-power and discipline. Amazing!
I totally know what you went through. I’m finally starting to get back on track (I think/hope). Since Fourth of July weekend, I’ve just been doing whatever I want and not weighing in or anything. I’m sure I’ve gained, but who knows how much, I’m scared to look!
Great job on your hard work! So amazing!
Don’t be scared to look. I think one of the things that I was scared to do was to post my weight. And I realized that I needed to get at least one weigh-in post in during the month of July to keep myself accountable. I had to face the truth, even though sometimes it hurts and can be depressing.
You’ve got this. You took a break, but it’s time to hit the road again. You know what you gotta do, and you can do it
What a great post! I can totally relate. Good for you for taking control of your body and your future!
3 Fitness Goals?
1. Rock my fitness assessment on Saturday!
2. Run SEVEN miles this weekend – eek!
3. Stay consistent with healthy eating.
3 things I’m proud of?
1. I’m wearing shorts right now that haven’t fit in a year!
2. I didn’t let my vacation sabotage my healthy eating habits.
3. I found ways to stay active on my vacation!
Have fun on the long run! I need to get my long run in. Maybe this weekend too. I haven’t decided. What’s this fitness assessment?! I’ll read up on your blog about it
That’s amazing that you’re fitting into your old shorts! Bet that feeling is just priceless. And staying active no matter where you are, what time of year it is (holidays, vacations, birthdays) just demonstrates that you know what you want and are doing your best to get there.
Keep it up!
Great stuff Jess. It’s the sum of the parts that makes up a life not the moments from time to time, right?
I’m doing super awesome right now so it’s just nice reading that things are better for you too. Been through many a funk on the journey.
The goals this week are to run about 15 miles, get in a swim and a bike and to mow my lawn (trust me that’s a 6.5 hour workout)
This last week I was super proud of finishing my first triathlon and tapering for the race properly (I tend to overdo things)
Oh my goodness. We have a triathlete in our midst! That is amazing. I’m glad you tapered and didn’t overdo things. That’s just such an amazing feat. Congratulations!
And definitely, this whole journey is about the sum of its parts. So I take some detours, but as long as I get to my final destination, that’s what counts.
Jess! I loved this post so much! The back and forth letters are both adorable and totally inspiring. I think i’m going to copy you and do a little personal letter writing to myself. I’m in a funk and I really needed some inspiration. Thank you so much for making me feel better almost every single day : )
marzipan´s last blog what IF- I stripped down for a good cause
Great post Jess. I told you I would answer your questions tonight, so here they are:
What are you struggling with? How can I help? -
I’m still struggling with portion control while eating. I’m eating better but I still find it hard to walk away from half eaten food when I am not hungry anymore.
What are three fitness goals you have for the week? -
1. To finish week one of C25K and move on to week two. I start this program and stop all the time. Need to stick with it. 2. To get under 300lbs, I am almost there. 3. Get off the machines and move onto free weights.
What are three things you’re proud of this week? Brag about it!
I started HIIT this week ( jog for 30 secs, sprint for 30 secs and repeat for 4 intervals.) After only being able to do 3.5 mins on Monday, tonight I did the full 4 minutes at a jog of 4.0mph and a sprint of 6mph. It was the longest 4 mins of my life I think LOL.
Vinny´s last blog Long Time Coming
LOVE this post, Jess! Man, this is a LIFE-LONG deal! Two weeks is a detour, not a disaster. It’s a vacation, not a failure. Awesome job getting right back to it and killing your weigh-in!
Three fitness goals for the week:
1. Get in my planned workouts.
2. Rock my sprints tomorrow.
3. Do my first true “long run” since May!
Three brags for the week:
1. I’m in size 16 clothing.
2. I haven’t craved sugar for weeks, and I haven’t used food emotionally in an equally long time.
3. I am actually EXCITED for the parts of my workouts I used to hate…you know, the parts that HURT-SO-GOOD!
seattlerunnergirl´s last blog Mid-Week Update
That is too cute. How smart to write notes to yourself! I’m proud of one big thing, beating my hubs in a 20+ mile bike ride. Never has that happened!
Good job on stopping the negative changes and turning them around. That is a true sign of dedication. Keep it up!
Great post, Jess! Your letters to and from the 180s and 170s made me laugh! Better yet, it’s great to see someone recover so nicely after veering off the path for a bit. Good motivation for the rest of us to be able to curb that downhill slide when it happens! It always does, at some point.
My struggle this week is drinking enough water. I’m trying to get accustomed to drinking more water each day than I’m used to, because I typically don’t drink even 64 ounces.
I am having a hard time making healthy choices when I go out and at night. I’m trying to bring myself out of it without being “that friend who’s on a diet and can never go out anymore.” I don’t want to not go out. Especially because most of the time it’s with my family. But, we tend to eat on the cheap when we go out and the healthy options aren’t the cheap ones and it’s usually happy hour which means drinks.
My 3 fitness goals this week are to go to the gym at least 3 times this week and do some form of exercise at home. At the gym my goal is to do something I don’t normally do. I ALWAYS hop on the bike. I need to stair climb or do the elliptical
I need to brag about the fact that i took the leap and went to an exercise class. I did my first aqua aerobics class yesterday and it was amazing! I was that good kind of sore like after you’ve worked out for the first time. It was great.
Amber´s last blog Weigh Day 7-19-1
I’ve avoided weighing for a while because 1) I only like weighing when I feel like I’ve been consistently on track for a while, and 2) my scale sucks and I don’t trust it. But, this morning I got on and had my own, “HOLY S!@#” moment. It has kind of made me reconsider talking about weight and weight loss on my blog because I feel like I need more accountability and maybe more regimine instead of just floating along ignoring the consequences. I’m just really nervous because what if I start but nothing happens? I really suck at losing weight. Not in the way that I gain/lose the same 10lbs, like I literally never lose weight. I’ve had my thyroid checked, and I know I’m healthy, just making enough bad decisions to keep gaining weight.
Anyway, I’m still considering it.
My fitness goals for this week are 6 days of cardio, 2 days of strength training, and keeping a food log for at least 2 weeks to better examine what is going on.
Congrats on being back in the 170′s. Can’t wait to read your letter to the 160′s
My funk is with getting back in the pool. Unlike running and biking my progress there is…non-existint so hard to get my butt there.
Any ideas for me to find more voting support for my contest I’ve entered????