Chances are, by the time you read this, I am on a plane going from San Diego to Denver to Washington, DC.
But this post needed to happen because I have to address a very important issue that has been plaguing me since the end of June.
Ever since I broke through the 180s, my usual tripping stone, and entered the 170s, I’ve been having trouble curbing my hunger.
Most of the time, I know I’m not hungry but I just want to eat everything that in excess. My mind goes into indulgence mode, and I can’t seem to control it.
I finally reached the lowest weight I could remember in my adult life, roughly 175, and I was ecstatic. But then, all of a sudden, I transformed into a binging, bottomless pit.
These last two months have been rough. I’ll have two solid weeks followed by one horrid week, and my only conclusion is that I’m purposefully trying to sabotage my efforts.
I see a low number on the scale, and then I somewhat lose focus. It’s as if I think my journey stops there, when I know that it doesn’t.
I think it’s because I’ve been so accustomed to “dieting” my entire life that I sometimes forget that this is a conscious effort, each and every day.
Sometimes, I just want to scream at myself:
And I don’t have an answer.
Maybe it’s because I don’t know what it’s like to be under 175.
Maybe it’s because I keep using big events in my life as an excuse.
It was my birthday.
I was a bridesmaid.
I’m leaving California.
In my mind, these reasons give me a justified excuse to eat whatever and how ever much I want.
It shouldn’t be like that.
The good thing is that I’m recognizing my binges and they’re occurring for shorter periods of time. The most recent bingefest lasted for three days, as compared to the two weeks from July.
Instead of letting my eating go out of control for extended periods of time, I’m re-evaluating my eating habits earlier now. I might not have solved the problem (and I don’t think I ever will) but at least I can catch and stop it sooner, before it spirals out of control.
I need to get back into running. Especially long distances.
I need to get back into training.
I need to get back into cooking.
I need to stop losing the same five pounds, over and over again.
It doesn’t bother me that I’m still in the 170s. The problem is that I keep bouncing between the mid-170s and the low-180s.
I finally realized that my eating became unbalanced when I ditched calorie counting and switched to intuitive eating. I thought that I had trained myself well enough to be able to make wise, health-conscious choices. I thought that I knew the difference between real physical hunger and mental stress hunger.
Obviously, I’ve still got plenty left to learn.
For now, intuitive eating has not been helpful for me. And I finally made the decision to go back to calorie counting.
It worked for me. It kept me accountable to myself. It prevented me from hiding from myself. And most importantly, it was a solid, concrete guideline that kept me focused.
Honestly, I am not ready for the world of intuitive eating. Yet.
I will tackle it again sometime, because ultimately, I want to achieve a balance with food, but right now, I need to go with what I’m good at, and that’s calorie counting.
What are your thoughts?
Are you a calorie counter or an intuitive eater?
What tips do you have for intuitive eating?
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Female. 25 years old. Chinese. Cook. Foodie. UCLA grad. Traveler. Musician. Scuba diver. GWU Law. Runner.
First off, I hope you’re having a safe trip!
And secondly, I know exactly where you are with this sabotage thing. I’m in the same boat and have been for roughly the same period of time. I stopped counting points and gave myself every reason in the book to eat bad. For me, it ends today. I just got back from vacation and have no reason in the world to eat bad.
We can rock this out girl!!
I’ve been reading this blog for a while now, but yet to post. First of all, I hope you have a safe trip! Secondly, girl you are speaking to me!
I’ve been doing the same thing, though I got to the 250s and started sabotaging…
I have to calorie count – intuitive eating gets me into trouble. But that being said, I do great calorie counting breakfast, lunch, and snack at work (and what I pack to take), but it’s the nights that I’ve lately been failing at. Nights and Weekends… sounds like a cell phone plan. LOL But it’s definitely my weak points.
I also think it’s because I hate to cook when it is so freakin’ hot outside. Gotta find some quick, won’t heat up the kitchen too bad, low calorie dinner meals – that my kids and hubby will eat too.
The fact that you can pin point what’s going on right now for you – your sabotage – that’s huge, and a great big step back in the right direction.
I want you to do what’s best for you. Definitely sounds like you are weighing the pros and cons. Ultimately, you’ll have to be honest with yourself and set boundaries. Nobody ever said it was easy, but remember to balance and give yourself a break every now and then – you deserve it!
I’m a Weight Watchers member bvut I did calories for a long time. For me I wanted to learn to eat without relying on the points/calories everyday. So I started to take and occasional day and eat “intuitively” and the add it up at the end of the day to see how I did. By doing this I’ve learned to balance my food for the day and not stress out when I have a higher day or a lower day. I still like the security of the points when I’m feeling out of control but I feel more in control knowing what fuels my body on my own.
I’m new to your blog – after BlogHer this weekend I somehow stumbled across yours via twitter or something. Anyway, I’m also Jess, so nice to meet you.
I started my weight loss journey at 250 lbs, did weight watchers, took up running, and ran my way down to 177… ran a friggin’ MARATHON… hit 177 and… FREAKED OUT.
for all the reasons you named above. Scared to get skinnier. Scared to fail. Scared to succeed. Mostly, when I was training I could kind of eat whatever I wanted, but once the 20 mile runs stopped, obviously that wasn’t an option anymore. Started a new job that has me rooted to my desk all day now (I used to office at home, thus was very active all day).
My best advice: tackle it now. I’ve regained 35 of the pounds I lost and it SUCKs. Be smarter than me.
I have a weight loss blog at http://www.jessiferseabs.blogspot.com that I”d be happy to give you access to if you email me (jessica1002@gmail.com). Otherwise, I write publicly at http://www.seejessicarun.com
GOOD LUCK. You can do it!
~jessica
I use Weight Watchers, I find it is much easier for me than counting calories.
I know this feeling all too well. I was allllllllways the fat friend in High School, then I lost a ton of weight. I got to this point where I felt comfortable with myself, but not perfect, and stopped. Why? because we fear that we’re not good enough for our goal weights. We’re comfortable being the fat friend, it’s our identity, you start noticing attention you never had before and it makes you wonder, is it because of the way you look? When you’re overweight your friends/boyfriends, etc. are with you because of YOU, not the way you look.
I never met my goal weight, and now I’m heavier than my previous highest weight in high school, trying to get back down again. This time… I don’t plan on stopping. I plan on making it to my goal.
I’m sure there will be some self-sabotage along the way (there already has been!) but I won’t stop trying till I get there!
You’ve come so far, be proud of that!
If you haven’t yet gone to Honoring Health (www.honormyhealth,com), please do so. Her blog is by far one of the best as it concerns intuitive eating.
From one of her posts: “The intention behind learning how to listen to your body shouldn’t be to lose weight. I just don’t believe that intuitive eating, and trying to lose weight go hand in hand.
The primary goal of intuitive eating is to change your relationship with food, exercise and your body. For the intuitive eating process to be effective, I believe that one must focus on learning to listen to their body instead of trying to change their body. That isn’t to say that losing weight isn’t possible once you are eating intuitively, because it is possible, in fact, if you are carrying too much weight it is highly likely. But intuitive eating is about embracing who you are, on the inside and out and that includes any extra weight. In my experience, both with clients and my personal journey, I find that when weight loss is the primary goal, one tends to sabotage their own efforts by creating rules around food and eventually overeating and bingeing.”
I have found this to be true. And now that I am not focused on how much I weigh or how many calories/points I am consuming, the weight is coming off naturally.
I think it is easy when there are a lot of celebrations going on to indulge, especially if you have been limiting yourself, on some level, for so long. Sometimes, it helps me to remember that there will always be more food. I don’t have to eat all the birthday cake at one time, because tomorrow I can have another piece of cake if I still want it. Indulging doesn’t have to mean overindulging.
Anyway, as far as the calorie counting vs. intuitive eating.. I am struggling with that myself. I believe in intuitive eating, but I think food logs are helping me to stop and question my mental vs physical hunger. At this point, food logs and calorie counting are helping me to be more mindful because it encourages me to thing, “Do I really want this? Is it nutritious? Will I feel good after I eat this, mentally and physically?” Also, I’m giving myself a range of calories per day, so that if I am actually more hungry one day, I can eat more food. It isn’t depravation.
I hope that one day I will be able to operate without writing everything down, but for now I think this works for me.
I am not good at tracking or calorie counting. I try to control each meal and take it a day at a time. I have days where I know I snacked too much and I try to make the next day better.
Are you at your goal weight or still trying to lose?
I try to combine a bit of both with counting calories/ww points and listening to my hunger cues, but for someone like me, I know I can’t solely rely on what my body tells me because a lot of times my mind takes over and tells me I’m hungry when I’m not.
I used to use big events as excuses all the time,but then I realized there are ALWAYS events going on! If i kept using them as excused I’d get back up to where I was at 250 pounds. My “new” approach to dealing with special events/big weekends is to plan for a splurge meal while I’m away or at the event, so that I can use that as a tool to stay on track during the rest of the weekend. Splurging every once in a while is normal, and necessary in my opinion, but I just have to pay attention that I don’t let a splurge meal or night turn into a weekend or a week or a month.
Oh, man, this. I think there’s a whole blog post coming about this, but man, it’s been a tough summer. I can’t decide if it’s self-sabotage or overconfidence: “Oh, I can eat like crap today because I’ll be eating fine tonight/tomorrow/next week. And running a lot! TOTALLY.” Except it never works that way.
I’ve been calorie counting this whole year and it has kept me from bingeing most of the time. However every so often I find myself off plan eating way too much. It’s something I think that will always be with me unfortunately. I just need to make these events a lot fewer and farther apart for long term success!
Hope your flights are going well!
Seems I’m kind of the opposite of you. I have calorie counted in the past, but I found that I was becoming a bit obsessed about the numbers, and I’d feel like crap any time I’d go over. Feeling like crap would often bring on binges, which led to feeling like crap again and so on. Part of the problem was also probably because I was telling myself that I shouldn’t be eating certain foods. Of course telling myself that made me want to eat them even more.
Anyway, my point is that I don’t count any more. I have an idea of what is in some of the things I make since I counted for a while. I sometimes still eye ball how many calories are in new things I try as well, but I don’t obsess over it like I used to.
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“Maybe it’s because I don’t know what it’s like to be under 175.” I’ve been thinking this lately, except 172. It’s the lowest I can remember being for a good 10 years…and I can’t seem to get past it, I get there then boomerang up a bit, then get there, then…It’s frustrating and I am absolutely doing it to myself. I so feel your pain here. I went to the Paleo diet. I said I was ‘over’ diets, but I just need something to stick to for a while…I’m stumbling too much. So far this week, so good. I think it’s a process and knowing we need to change something and doing it is a good sign. Failure is not an option! We got this.
I have to echo a few comments. What I’ve found with intuitive eating is that it didn’t work when I tried it to lose weight. I started again two weeks ago and stopped counting and it’s going a million times better now. But I’m not trying to lose anymore. It’s a leap of faith and involves a lot of trust. It will be there when you’re ready.
And Jess, you can stop the binges, you can. It happens, I know of many and am one myself. You will find your way out of it little by little.
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Hello! New reader here.
First, I just moved to DC a month ago (whoa, can’t believe it’s been that long) from the midwest and I LOVE it! It’s not “home”, but it is a BIG ADVENTURE!
Second, this post really spoke to me! I really have a problem with self sabotage. I lost 50 pounds last fall, and I have gained it all back, and then some. I really think I just didn’t know what to do when people started noticing me. I’m going to get back on the wagon after reading your post… one day at a time!
Thanks for being an inspiration!
For 2 months I tried intuitive eating and it did not work. I stopped calorie counting like you, thinking I could just eat right and keep track myself what I was having. Well, Sunday I went back to calorie counting. I had to, I was not losing any weight and it was bothering me. I kept saying to myself that it was the muscle I was putting on from lifting, but I was kidding myself. Like you I still need to calorie count. I don’t like doing it, but if I want to lose weight I have to.
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feel free to DELETE THIS comment after Jess.
but did you listen to our twofitchicks.org podcast about mindful eating?
I share my whole process there…
xo xo
Carla
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I am an intuitive eater.
Always have been, but your body has to be conditioned right for it.
First thing is water consumption. I drink 2 gallons a day (or more.) This ensures proper hydration and no hunger vs thirst issues.
Second, on meals, I only use a salad plate, and fill it equally with five different colors (of course, not heaping.) This ensures I get a variety of things, including fruits and veggies, and portions down things that are not as good for me. Since I don’t really have a sugary sweet tooth, the fruit more than covers it for me. Although lately, I’ve been going away from the 5 color thing, but that’s mainly because I’ve figured out the portions to keep body in check.
Finally, is knowing when to add in extra calories. Problem with most intuitive eating, is thinking that you can make up calorie deficit later. Parties, hanging out, etc are when most want to go ahead an eat extra. This is counter intuitive to health. The more sedentary you are, the more it needs to be cut back. If I am not doing any workouts (very rare days indeed) my food intake is about half of normal. On extreme workout days, my body ends up craving, of all things, Mexican food, because of the amount of calories it has.
It works out well for me, but before going into it, the body already needs to be conditioned.
Problems usually occur in not enough water, and even more so, the “I can handle this, just reduce the back end somewhere else.”
Did I write this post? Seriously.
My thoughts: We are all in this together. Hang in there!
When I was at 185, I was practicing intuitive eating while keeping track of my calories (if that makes any sense at all.) ,but then I just went to intuitive eating, and I was able to maintain 185 for a few months. But then the weight started coming back on, so now I’m just back to counting calories/writing down what I eat.
The problem is that I love to eat, and eating intuitively makes me go overboard because I want more and more. I’m probably not making any sense with this comment. What I’m trying to say is, intuitive eating only works for me sometimes, just depends on the day. But I’ve found that if I don’t want to gain weight, I’ve got to CONSTANTLY watch what I put in my mouth. If I don’t, hello pounds!
Anyway, I hope you’ve made it safely to DC.
I completely get this! I think the main thing and the HUGE thing that gets overlooked with intuitive eating is that it is a process. No one can just decide to trust their instincts from one day to the next and expect no repercussions. For me it may be a lack of self trust at this point, but I am not ready to eat intuitively. It’s a place I’d like to be for sure, but especially while I’m trying to actively lose weight, it’s not something that is going to work for me. Great post as always!
Jess I love that you once again are able to pause and assess where you’re at and figure out what the next step should be. That in and of itself means that you’ve changed! I don’t subscribe to intuitive eating or calorie counting. I’ve followed a few different plans designed for me (within calorie ranges of course) and have taught me how I need to eat to keep losing. I guess in a way that has “trained” me for “intuitive eating”? But I don’t really feel that way, because I’m still not eating in what I describe as an intuitive way. I think I am still learning…
You always have the best posts – with so much to think about. I know you know the right step for you that will take you from where you are now to where you want to be. Getting settled back in your place and starting your new routine will get you there I know it!
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I’m an intuitive eater. I suck at counting calories. I think it might be because I suck at counting. Math is not my strong suit.
Plus it’s just boring for me. I think a lot of people need to start with calorie counting to get to the point where they can eat normally without counting. It gives them an idea of how much of what to eat until basically they get used to it and know how to do it naturally.
yo whats up jess, awesome blog, awesome results.