I’ve realized that my weight has hindered me in many aspects of life, making me afraid to reach out and open up to people. It’s made me regret a lot of things I didn’t get a chance to do, especially during high school. So many choices I’ve made were and are affected by my weight and my health. So many “I wish I could’ve done that” are somehow connected to my weight and my self-image.
Not getting asked to my senior prom.
I went, but with a girlfriend of mine. I never got the full package. You know, the guy with the roses, the balloons, the limo. And I never got that date dance.
Not walking at my high school graduation.
I graduated, but because of the number of classes I purposefully missed, the school prevented me from walking with my friends during graduation. It was my fault.
Not being in my senior yearbook.
I was 235 pounds and extremely unhappy with myself, but I wouldn’t admit. I wanted to hide from pictures, to hide from everybody. I just didn’t want to be there. But I wish I had.
Never rushing for a sorority in college.
Sororities aren’t my thing, I know this. I can’t deal with big groups of women, but it still would’ve been fun to say that I rushed. I was never secure enough about my body, about myself, to believe that I would be accepted.
Never having a proper date for Valentine’s Day.
My roommates and I threw ourselves an awesome Anti-Valentine’s party, but nothing compares to somebody taking the time and courage to ask you on a date, especially on Valentine’s Day.
Not being able to shop in Forever 21 and Abercrombie & Fitch.
I bought things from Forever 21, but they never fit right. I lied to myself, convinced myself that they did, but no, they really didn’t. I want to be able to go into that store, try things on, and have them fit. Even if I won’t buy it. I just want to say that I can fit into their clothing.
Feeling like the “fat” friend.
So we go out a lot. Whenever a guy starts talking to me, I always feel like he’s talking to me to get to my “skinny” friends because they’re prettier. I’m standoffish, I’m defensive, I’m self-conscious. I lose my confidence. I lose sight of the person that I am, so nobody else gets to see that person either.
There are many things I haven’t done that I regret not doing. I’ve discovered that regret is the worst feeling in the world because you can never rewind time. You can never take things back. You cannot change the past.
But you can move forward. You can control the present. There are so many things in my life that I have done that have made me a better person, that have shaped my ideas about the world, that have influenced my belief about people and increased my faith in myself. The things I did do, I never regret. It’s the things I didn’t do that nag at me inside. So I’m trying to live my life without regrets now.
I know I can finish my Half Marathon on Sunday. I will run a marathon. I will complete a triathlon. I will be at a “normal” body fat percentage. I will go skydiving. My list of things to do in life is ridiculously long, and I’m going to make sure that I do them.
No more regrets.
I’m not going to live a life where I’m afraid because of my appearance, my weight, and how my clothes fit. I’m not going to live a life where I shy from the world. I’m not going to use my weight as an excuse to not live, to not try new things. It’s prevented me from doing so many things, and I don’t want to give it that control over me. I’m better than that. I’m more than that.
No more regrets.
What are some things that you regret not doing?
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Female. 25 years old. Chinese. Cook. Foodie. UCLA grad. Traveler. Musician. Scuba diver. GWU Law. Runner.
I regret not sticking with playing the violin when I was a kid. I was damn good, but my mother never came to watch me play.
I regret giving up playing softball when I was in elementary school. I played for a month during summer and loved it. My mother never came to a game.
I regret not joining the swim team in HS when the coach asked me to tryout. I figured my mother would never come to a meet.
I regret being an addict in my young adult years. 20 years later I still experience the affect of that dark time in my life.
I regret getting to 263 pounds and cry when I look at pictures of myself.
But I’ll tell you something else Jess…here are somethings I don’t regret:
I don’t regret waking up at the age of 40 and finally taking a stand to get my life back.
I don’t regret eating less and moving more and losing the weight for good.
I don’t regret lacing up my first pair of running shoes and kissing the earth for the first time.
I don’t regret getting stronger, more fit and faster so that when I do join that softball team next summer I can hit that damn ball out of the park or at least look good trying.
I don’t regret coming here and reading this blog. EVER!
P.S. are you up for the challenge of joining my Jedi Council?
Just saying, that’s how much I respect you.
.-= Tara´s last blog Weekend Warrior Challenge =-.
Not losing weight sooner- I’m glad I started now though! BTW love your blog lady
Awww….this post makes me want to give you a hug. There isn’t much I regret and I think that it has more to do with getting older than anything else. I found that I finally got to a point where I realized that all that I am today is made up of everything that I was/did before and I wouldn’t trade any of that learning.
I regret the fact that I went on vacation last year and avoided the camera because of my weight. I hate that I can’t look at the few pictures I’m in without cringing.
My only big one is letting myself go after I got married. Oh man was it ugly.
.-= Joe´s last blog Running Gear Product Review: Endurox R4 =-.
I regret not losing this weight sooner.
I regret giving my first love to a guy who wasn’t worth it.
I regret losing myself to please other people.
I DON’T regret all that I’m learning, doing, and being now. I don’t regret who I am, how far I’ve come, and the woman I know I am becoming. I don’t regret that I am saving my life with every choice I make right now.
So are you. Regret sucks, but every day you LIVE, really *live* out loud like crazy, is like healing a little wound of regret from your past.
Thanks for sharing, great post.
I regret not being present in the present.
I regret not going out for swimming in High School but choosing to play the bench in Softball instead.
I regret not dancing. In high school the basketball team had circled around to get hyped for the game and each player to a turn and danced in the center of the circle but me. I was too embarrassed or I didn’t want to call attention to myself. Which by waving my arms and saying no I took on the whole disappointmant of the team.
I regret staying locked away in the house and eating rather than seeking out new adventures while I was still at a relatively small size.
Whew That felt good.
Jess, I so relate with you!!!! I didn’t go to Junior or Senior prom. I wasn’t nearly as big then as I am now or was after having my kids, but I never felt accepted because I was “bigger” than most of the girls at school. I never had a v-date. You know, pretty much everything you posted. Thanks for the post.
Regrets are one of those Things. Those things that haunt you, that come back time and time again, trying to teach you a lesson you didn’t learn. Those things that are once in a life time opportunities that you turn down because it might be too hard, or too long, or a good chance of failure.
Even being where I am right now today, I can honestly say the only thing I regret is not watching every single episode of Lost before the Series Finale.
I love this post though. It so honest.
.-= Lily Fluffbottom´s last blog Pnenomum: My Roommate Has It =-.
Amen my dear…there have been many passed up opportunities…life can always start again.
I had a friend tell me a long time ago to regret only the things you didn’t do. And looking at your list, many of these things are things you didn’t do. As you stated, it’s time for no more regrets. Now that you’ve realized that, I bet you’ll find that you don’t have to use the word “regret” anymore.
Great Post!
I regret allowing myself to be put at the very bottom of everyone’s but especially my own priority list.
Not any more!!!
Amber
This is a wonderful post. But I bet you are going to read it someday (sooner than you think) and your view on it will change.
I do not regret my past.
I do not regret being bulimic for almost 15 years.
I do not regret not going to my HS prom.
I do not regret not completing college.
I do not regret reaching 336.4 lbs.
These are a part of what make up the person I am now. The person who conquered bulimia, who lost 49# in less than 4 months by eating sanely and exercising, who went from bed bound with an injury to training for a 5K. I am the person who feeds myself whole, nourishing food daily, and laughs, and has adventures. But above all, I do not regret.
.-= Rinn´s last blog IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIiittttt’s Picture time! =-.
Jess… thank you so much for your kind comment on my marathon post. You totally get the running thing, and I really appreciate that. I admire your strength and honestly in your blog a lot. You have come a loooooong way, and it seems like you are just at the beginning of where you will end up. amazing. looking forward to YOUR race report!
These are great, Jess. You broke my heart. But, yup, it’s never too late, huh? I am so excited for your 1/2 on Sunday. I can’t wait to read all about it!!!
I’ll have to come up with things I regret and do a post. Could be a long one.
.-= beej´s last blog Done with Bikram =-.
Jess, what an amazing and courageous post. Don’t feel bad about not being able to wear A&F, that stuff is the bane of society. I was super awkward in high school (which I feel like I still haven’t completely outgrown) but had a weird sense of over confidence. No one ever asked me out on a date nor asked me to a dance, but I was ballsy enough to do the asking. I got rejected a lot, but every once in a while, someone would take the bait. If you believe in yourself, you can go after whatever you want.
Re: Senior prom…. i had bfs both years I was able to go, but my junior year my bf was really old (uh… 23?) and embarrassing, so I went alone w/friends. I had a lot more fun that year than I did my senior year when I went with a new bf. He was a jerk who LITERALLY slapped me on the dance floor because I told him I didn’t want to dance with him because he couldn’t dance. OK, granted, that was rude of me and I shouldn’t have been dating someone I didn’t really like in the first place.. but, needless to say, I would have been happier alone. (After high school I started dating people I was actually attracted to who were nice rather than any lame jerk who showed interest in me.)
So.. that brings me to one of my few regrets.. I wish I would have waited to start dating until I had enough self esteem to pick guys who were kind and good. I regret abusing my body through disordered eating for so long. I regret all the time I’ve spent feeling bad about myself instead of making good choices.
.-= ZenLizzie´s last blog My go-to dinner/lunch & sometimes breakfast: Stir fry vegetables, rice and egg =-.
I have the differentiate between regret and remorse. Much as David H. says, regret is for something you didn’t do. Remorse is for something you did.
I feel no regrets. The paths not taken, brought me to where I am, and I use to shape who I will become. I see what could have been, and what I could have done better, and use the wisdom gleaned from there to carve my way once again.
I do however feel great remorse, and am quite haunted by the actions I _DID_ take. And neither one of them is something to which I would want it out in the public.
Hey there Jess.
I’ve missed reading your posts while I was gone. In the few short months that I’ve followed your journey — you’ve grown like crazy.
You are solid.
You will finish that Half-marathon, marathon, and triathlon.
I’m not big on regrets, but that is just me. In hindsight, I would have liked to start getting fitter and healthier a long time ago and been more consistent with it.
Keep it up Jess. Good luck on Sunday!
I totally love the vibe of your words. We can pick up and carry on. I have always had problems with my weight too… and my social life wasn’t necessarily the best at a young age. But you know what… it makes us all the more stronger and gives us a richer life experience. Thanks for your inspiring words.
I regret letting my weight get up as high as 290 pounds.
I regret letting my bad health control what I could or couldn’t do with my kids.
I regret not getting control of my weight sooner.
.-= Brandon´s last blog Weekly weigh-in #22 =-.