So I’ve been kicking my ass at the gym, and it feels good. Really good.

But I haven’t been eating clean. At all. And you can’t work off a bad diet. Period.

I do so well during the day and can curb my hunger, but after a strong workout at the gym, I go home starving. Does this happen to anybody? Or is it just me…

And then I just eat. And eat. It just feels like I can’t stop feeling hungry. Granted I have been shoveling myself with veggies and lean protein, it’s just endless hunger.

The worst part? I somehow convince myself that it’s ok to gorge because I worked out hard. Ugh. Worst. Thing. Ever. Because then everything becomes “oh, it’s ok” when it actually isn’t.

Because I have fallen off the wagon and am still trying to get back into the swing of things, I really don’t want to sabotage myself right at the beginning.

Why is it so hard? I’m trying to figure out the demons in my head.

Sometimes, I don’t have answers. And today is one of them. But I guess the best thing to do is to stick with it, not give up on myself, and remember that slow and steady wins the race.

Oh, and I’ll be updating on Sundays with weekly progress reports. Starting weight. Loss per week. Push-up count. Bench, squat, deadlift amounts. This way I’ll have a way to track my progress and maybe if I focus on the big picture, I can stop feeling so negative about my little setbacks.

What do you tell yourself when you feel like giving up?

2011 was a long, long year. And it definitely did not turn out as I planned.

I got sick, had to put a hold on law school (again), and then ended up interning at a law firm in China for half a year. For awhile, I lost sight of myself and I blamed everything on “life being unfair”. But now that I’ve had some time to remove myself from it all, things were definitely not as bad as I thought they were.

Shit happens. And the only thing we can do is learn from it and move forward because dwelling in the past doesn’t change the future.

Yeah, I put on some pounds (by some I mean a whopping 25) so I’m back to the 190 area. Is it a bummer for me? Definitely. But I just keep telling myself that I have to start from somewhere again. I can keep feeling bad for myself, keep putting myself down, keep regretting my decisions, or I can just focus and look forward.

I turn 26 this year in July. And my goal in life was to run 26.2 before 26. There’s no time to dwell on what I should have done, what I could have done, if only I hadn’t done that, if only I could’ve done this. Enough coulda and more “just do it”.

Oh, and I didn’t purposely disappear the latter half of 2011. My site’s blocked in China so I couldn’t access my domain without hacking the Great Firewall of China. My China stories will have to be saved for later though. China was a learning experience but a very, very stressful one and I don’t see myself going any time soon.

So that was my 2011 in a brief nutshell.

The good thing is: I’m back.