We all have insecurities. No matter how trivial they may seem, our insecurities make us feel like the weakest, smallest, most vulnerable, most useless person in the world. They gnaw at us inside because our insecurities are all mental. The fear our minds have created consume us, leave us immobile, and the only person who can overcome a mental roadblock is ourselves. It’s tough to overcome insecurities, especially if it’s related to the body.
I am insecure about my body. My calves are too big. My arms jiggle. My belly, well, it’s definitely not flat. My thighs touch each other. Love handles? Yep, I’ve got them.
A few weeks ago, I said that I would start swimming after I hit the 170s. For some reason, I was convinced that I would magically be happy with my body when I reached a certain weight. For some reason, I thought that by being in the 170s, I would immediately feel comfortable about wearing a swimsuit in public. For some reason, I was holding myself back, waiting instead of living.
The more I read about triathlons, the more I wanted to swim. I’ve started my cycling training and I am The One when it comes to running, but I just couldn’t muster up the courage to swim. I had debilitated myself before I even began. I had sidelined myself before I even started trying.
I finally realized that it wasn’t the number on the scale that would make me comfortable. Everything I believed about myself was all in my head. All the “oh, people will judge you”, all the “they’ll think you’re fat”, everything, was a mental fabrication. If I stopped caring about what other people thought and truly started caring about myself, then it doesn’t matter what weight I’m at when I hop into the pool.
I was the only one hindering myself. I was the only one preventing myself from training for a triathlon. I was the only one stopping myself from becoming better.
It was time to stop holding myself back.
On Monday, I went to Ross and bought myself a one-piece. It was on sale for $20. I also got myself a pair of Ironman goggles from Big 5 for $7. And then, I tackled the gym. My gym has a public pool. The last time I was seen at a public pool in a swimsuit was at least four years ago.
But it was time to get over my insecurities. It was time to overcome my fears and do what I really wanted to do: train and swim.
So I got into my swimsuit, hopped in the pool, and busted out 150 meters nonstop. It felt great. For the first two laps, I had to remember how to breathe properly, but the more comfortable I got in the water, the more things started falling into place. I ended up swimming a total of 500 meters, and I was proud of myself. Proud of myself for getting back into the pool. Proud of myself for starting my triathlon training. Proud of myself for overcoming my bodily insecurities.
It is liberating. Getting into a swimsuit and hopping into a pool has led me to believe in myself even more, to have more confidence in my abilities.
And I honestly believe that everything happens for a reason. The guy swimming laps in the lane next to me stopped to ask if I was training for a race. I told him about my goal of becoming a triathlete. He told me that I swam well, that my form was great, that he could tell I was dedicated. He encouraged me to not give up, to keep practicing, to continue to push myself.
A stranger’s compliment was the perfect pat on the back that I needed, not for my swimming, but for my ability to overcome my insecurity about being seen in a swimsuit.
I realized that I’m not out there to impress. I’m out there to train for myself, to live for myself, to achieve for myself.
I’m doing this for myself.
What insecurities have you overcome? What insecurities do you WANT to overcome?
Beef & Pork Chow Mein – Dinner: pancit noodles stir-fried with ground beef, ground pork, white onions, green garlic, yu choy, cabbage, mushrooms, bean sprouts, soy sauce, oyster sauce, Sriracha, and Shaoxing wine.
Consumption: 2127 calories, 54.5g of fat.
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Workout: Treadmill tempo run. Assisted pull-ups. Upper back. Biceps.
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Female. 25 years old. Chinese. Cook. Foodie. UCLA grad. Traveler. Musician. Scuba diver. GWU Law. Runner.
This is a great post. I totally agree – when I was first starting to lose all the weight I envisioned getting to a certain number on the scale and then being totally happy with my body and kept waiting and waiting. Well those numbers came and went and I realized it’s not a certain number you have to look for – its from within. I still have a lot of insecurities to overcome even though I’m within a few pounds of my goal weight. i try to just focus on the positives and how strong and fit I am rather than the damage I did to my body from being obese for so long.
I’m still working on getting over a lot of the insecurities I have about my body. That’s one of the reasons I had so much trouble recording my first vlog a week or so ago. And I still have trouble going shirtless anywhere (not that I have many situations where that matters, but still…).
I want to feel good about my body. I know it’s looking MUCH better than just 4 1/2 months ago, but I still don’t feel great about how I look shirtless in the mirror. And I know that most of this is something that *I* have to get over. I’ve spent so much of my life not liking what I see in the mirror, I have to start allowing myself to be happy with the transformation I’ve made.
.-= Brandon´s last blog The Tipping Point =-.
I’m realizing more and more that my fears about what OTHER people will think (“wow, she’s fat,” or “dang, put on some clothes!”) are rooted in my own thoughts about myself. Once we begin to see ourselves as beautiful and worthy, it no longer matters what others are thinking. Which is good, because they’re probably not. Thinking. About us, that is.
Another wonderful post Jess!
First of all, I commend you for getting over your insecurities and getting into the pool. AND I’m so excited that you’re going for that triathlon! Congratulations!!
And you said it so well, you can always have insecurities — no matter what that number on the scale says, there might always be something that makes you feel nervous about yourself or not quite worthy….unless you make that realization that you are really the only one suffering from these thoughts. And you’re also the only one who can change them!
But as much as I KNOW all this in my head, I do find myself slipping into this trap sometimes. I just have to keep reminding myself that in reality, everyone else is way too worried about themselves and what they’re doing (just like I am) to be spending time judging me. And in the end, I am in charge of my own happiness.
For me, I’m like you. I know it’s a mental thing, and that deep down people want you to succeed and do well, but when you’re 300+ pounds, it’s hard to overcome the negative feedback you sometimes receive.
At a new weight, in the 190s, it’s a lot easier to see the positive side of things and people. It takes baby steps, but I feel the more fit I get the more secure I’ll be.
So far my insecurities have shrank tremendously, I feel more confident then ever, but there is still room for progress.
Good post.
Once again Jess you’ve continued to amaze me. Those insecurity things are no easy feat to overcome and you’ve gone and done it again! I’m entering swimsuit land this weekend. Tomorrow I will getting into a swimsuit in public (with people I know no less!) and hopping into a pool. Part of me is totally freaking out about it (WHAT? people I know will be able to see my wobbly bits!) and part of me is kind of okay with it knowing I’ve made huge changes. I plan on letter the later part of me conquer the former and proudly spending the afternoon in the water! Thanks for the encouragement as one super-fantastic role model!
.-= Meegan´s last blog Quick Update =-.
Way to go on just doing it! I am going to start swimming after the move we are about to make!
It’ll be interesting b/c I am not a good swimmer – but I can only get better!
.-= seth @ fitwithapurpose´s last blog 10k Run. Wellness Wednesday. Rainy Run. =-.
I have many insecurities about my body but, the fitter I am getting and the better shaped through weight training, the better I am feeling about myself. I am still 20 lbs from my goal and still have a lot of fat (mostly legs) but, I am getting compliments now and that helps immensely.
Weird, for some reason, comment luv is not picking up my new posts!
I needed this today, thank you! I was just at cardio kick last night and while we were doing the punch section I could feel my under arm area “the bat wings” if you will, moving independantly. and I was so embarassed… then I thought no screw that I should be embarassed if I was doing nothing about it I am working damn hard to get healthy and every step I make I should be pround and you should too!
I went bald when I was 22. That’s tough on a young dude.
.-= Joe´s last blog Recap and Request =-.
Dang you beat me into the pool
I’m going tomorrow night as I finally got my tri-shorts yesterday.
I have many insecurities about my body but, the fitter I am getting and the better shaped through weight training, the better I am feeling about myself. I am still 20 lbs from my goal and still have a lot of fat (mostly legs) but, I am getting compliments now and that helps immensely.
Weird, for some reason, comment luv is not picking up my new posts!