Half of Jess

En. Es. Vee.

Jess — Wed, 01 Feb 2012 08:11:08 +0000

En. Es. Vee. (NSV) also known as non-scale victory.

Sometimes we focus so much on the number on the scale that we lose sight of the big picture: getting healthy.

Getting healthy is so much more than just shedding pounds. You can be stick thin and not be healthy at all. And I’ll be the first to say that lately, I’ve forgotten what it’s like to remember that my quest for health is so much more than seeing my weight drop on the scale.

My mental and physical improvements should NOT, and CANNOT be measured by a scale alone. At the beginning of January, when I made my little come back, I could not, for the life of me, run a mile without taking walk breaks.

Well today I ran an 11:44 mile. Ok, yeah, compared to 2010 that’s slow because I was cranking out an 8:21 mile but if I temporarily remove my setback and measure my week to week progress, an 11:44 mile is awesome.

Over the past two weeks, I have been training consistently, running two 5Ks, both without any walking breaks. The first 5K last week took me 42:03. This week, I busted out a 40:53.

At the beginning of January, I could only bench 3 sets of the bar. Yesterday, I benched 2 sets of the bar and 2 sets at 55 pounds. The goal this year is to bench 95 pounds. I might not be able to see the physical changes right away, but I can feel it.

Progress. Victory. Reward.

And, truthfully, I haven’t been weighing myself. I’ve realized that sometimes, too much of the scale actually has a negative impact on me because I forget my main purpose: to become healthy.

It isn’t about the number on the scale. It’s about how I feel. And I actually feel stronger. I know my skin is clearing up, I have more energy, and there are so many physically fit goals I’m working towards (more on those later).

Maybe I’ll weigh myself this week, as a way to measure more of my progress, but for now, I’m loving my NSVs.

What are your NSVs for the month of January?

Photo courtesy of Madeintaiwan73

One Day At a Time

Jess — Thu, 26 Jan 2012 04:03:38 +0000

After last week’s poor eating, my mind was only filled with negative thoughts. And all I could do was compare myself to my previous self. Sounds weird, right?

You know how other people compare themselves with others? Well, I guess I do that too, but I just couldn’t stop thinking of where I am now compared with where I was January of 2011. I was at the lowest weight I’ve ever been. Training hard, lifting heavy, being bad ass.

And now? Man. I can’t even run a 12-minute mile.

It’s hard to think of the “what was” and move on because in my head, I just think of how big of a failure I am.

Why did I ever let myself go? How did I get here?

And then it dawned on me that my mind just wasn’t in the right place. I had a lot of issues going on, a lot of unexpected disasters, and yes, a shit ton of excuses.

The worst thing I can do is look at the past and focus on the “what could have been” because you can never change the past. I can only take control of the present.

So the one thing I keep telling myself is to take everything one day at a time.

Instead of beating myself up each time I “fail,” I give myself a mental pat on the back for each victory I accomplish. Ok, so my accomplishment is nothing compared to where I was a year ago, but hey, compared to where I was a week ago, it’s a huge step!

I think it’s important to focus on weight loss, marathon training, healthy eating, healthy body image one day at a time because every day IS a battle. If we focus on the war, we just get overwhelmed which makes it easier to just call it quits.

My mantra for the rest of the month: One day at a time, one step at a time.

And my little win for the day? I ran, without walking, a full 5K distance. Took me 42 minutes at a pace of 13:35 a mile, but the important thing is that I did it.

I have to remember that I have to train myself to get better, which will take time, but that’s ok.

I can do this.

What’s your win for the day/week/month?

The Self-Sabotaging Crisis

Jess — Fri, 20 Jan 2012 23:51:10 +0000

So I’ve been kicking my ass at the gym, and it feels good. Really good.

But I haven’t been eating clean. At all. And you can’t work off a bad diet. Period.

I do so well during the day and can curb my hunger, but after a strong workout at the gym, I go home starving. Does this happen to anybody? Or is it just me…

And then I just eat. And eat. It just feels like I can’t stop feeling hungry. Granted I have been shoveling myself with veggies and lean protein, it’s just endless hunger.

The worst part? I somehow convince myself that it’s ok to gorge because I worked out hard. Ugh. Worst. Thing. Ever. Because then everything becomes “oh, it’s ok” when it actually isn’t.

Because I have fallen off the wagon and am still trying to get back into the swing of things, I really don’t want to sabotage myself right at the beginning.

Why is it so hard? I’m trying to figure out the demons in my head.

Sometimes, I don’t have answers. And today is one of them. But I guess the best thing to do is to stick with it, not give up on myself, and remember that slow and steady wins the race.

Oh, and I’ll be updating on Sundays with weekly progress reports. Starting weight. Loss per week. Push-up count. Bench, squat, deadlift amounts. This way I’ll have a way to track my progress and maybe if I focus on the big picture, I can stop feeling so negative about my little setbacks.

What do you tell yourself when you feel like giving up?

The Self-Sabotaging Occurrence

Moving Forward

Jess — Wed, 18 Jan 2012 03:39:25 +0000

2011 was a long, long year. And it definitely did not turn out as I planned.

I got sick, had to put a hold on law school (again), and then ended up interning at a law firm in China for half a year. For awhile, I lost sight of myself and I blamed everything on “life being unfair”. But now that I’ve had some time to remove myself from it all, things were definitely not as bad as I thought they were.

Shit happens. And the only thing we can do is learn from it and move forward because dwelling in the past doesn’t change the future.

Yeah, I put on some pounds (by some I mean a whopping 25) so I’m back to the 190 area. Is it a bummer for me? Definitely. But I just keep telling myself that I have to start from somewhere again. I can keep feeling bad for myself, keep putting myself down, keep regretting my decisions, or I can just focus and look forward.

I turn 26 this year in July. And my goal in life was to run 26.2 before 26. There’s no time to dwell on what I should have done, what I could have done, if only I hadn’t done that, if only I could’ve done this. Enough coulda and more “just do it”.

Oh, and I didn’t purposely disappear the latter half of 2011. My site’s blocked in China so I couldn’t access my domain without hacking the Great Firewall of China. My China stories will have to be saved for later though. China was a learning experience but a very, very stressful one and I don’t see myself going any time soon.

So that was my 2011 in a brief nutshell.

The good thing is: I’m back.

I AM ALIVE!

Jess — Fri, 13 Jan 2012 01:01:51 +0000

Happy 2012. Yes, I am alive! More to come later. Much happened in 2011, some good, some bad, but overall a learning experience, so I guess not too bad.

I don’t even know who still reads this, but it’s my little spot in this big internet world, and I need it. More so for myself and my sanity than anything else.

It’s good to be home.

Half of Jess Turns ONE!

Jess — Tue, 01 Feb 2011 19:04:49 +0000

It’s been exactly one year since I started Half of Jess. And boy has it been a learning experience.

I went from barely being able to run a mile to running my first 5K race ever. The Carlsbad 5000 will forever be remembered as the day I conquered 3.1 miles. And having my entire family there to support me meant the world to me.

I switched from running with shoes to running almost barefoot with my gorilla feet.

I created a Life & Body Tournament bracket with goals I hope to accomplish. I’m glad to say that I’ve achieved a good chunk of them.

I ran my first half marathon, cried like a baby at the finish line, and learned a bunch of lessons about running. Do I absolutely love running? Yes, because I believe we were born to run.

I’ve accepted the fact that I run at a snail’s pace but am running intervals right now to crank up my speed. I finally managed to run a sub-8:30 mile but I’m currently a bit slower right now. Actually, a lot slower.

I finally reached the 170s but my poor balance between life and law school resulted in a temporary hiatus that caused me to regain some weight.

This morning, I weighed in at 181.0. This is my first official weigh-in on the blog since September. I’ve realized that I need to start doing weekly weigh-ins again to keep myself accountable, and so that I can view healthy living as a bigger picture.

Blogging has helped me learn so much about myself. I am a binge eater when I cannot cope with stress, but I’ve learned that exercise and training is a huge, natural stress-reliever. When I blog, I stay accountable, not only to others, but to myself. I force myself to think about my problems, to analyze why I am the way I am, and only then can I attempt to improve and change myself.

Has the year been filled with lots of glorious achievements? Sure. But it has also been riddled with some disappointments.

Disappointment that I’ve let myself slip. Disappointment that I’ve experienced some weight gain. Disappointment that I may yo-yo diet again, which is something I refuse to do. Disappointment that I no longer think a 10K is a short distance.

But the beauty is, these disappointments are not permanent, because I control my destiny. I make changes for the better. I create my own future.

This next year on Half of Jess, I want to…

Run a half marathon in March.
Run a full marathon by the end of 2011.
Race in a sprint triathlon.
Run a sub-30 5K.
Reach 100 pounds total loss.
Maintain that loss for at least a month minimum.
And, raise my GPA.

Thank you. Thank you for supporting me through this year. Thank you for listening to me whine, brag, complain, share about my experiences. Thank you for giving me advice, for sympathizing with my joys and pains. Thank you for being my reliable supporters and fans. Thank you for everything.

This journey has been so much easier, so much happier, because of you all. You who cheer me along, you who inspire me, you who advise me, you who call me out on my crap. Thank you.

Making Time For What’s Important

Jess — Sun, 30 Jan 2011 18:04:36 +0000

If there’s one thing that I’ve learned in the past month, it’s that people make time for things that are important to them, be it people, hobbies, exercise, training.

If you care about something enough, you will go to hell and back to make time for it.

Everything else is just an excuse.

Comparing myself now to myself last semester, I realized that every time I used “studying” as a reason, I was just trying to find an excuse not to go to the gym.

Was I really that busy studying? No.

Was I really catching up with reading and work? No.

Most of the time, I would be wasting time on Gmail Chat, Facebook, streaming TV shows or football games. I was neither being productive with school nor with my body and mind.

I just didn’t care enough. I let my physical and mental health slide because I somehow concluded that law school took up 100% of my time. But truthfully, I just had horrible time management.

I am not a morning person, so I chose the section that has afternoon and evening classes, which means sometimes, I have 8 hour days with classes letting out at 8pm.

Last semester, I would go home after class, sit in front of the TV, and binge for at least half an hour.

This semester? I hit the gym hard for at least an hour and a half after class. What else would I be doing with my time? NOTHING.

Law school isn’t about the quantity of studying as much as it is about the quality of the studying. Yes, I study more than I did in undergraduate, but it does not require 24 hours of my day, 7 days a week. Besides, devoting that much of my time to anything is unhealthy.

So the lesson I’ve taken away from managing training and exercise time with law school is that: People make time for things they care a lot about.

It doesn’t matter how “busy” I get, it doesn’t matter how heavy my reading load is, it doesn’t matter how many motions or briefs or mock trials I have to do, if I care enough about my training and my body, I’ll get everything done.

I’m still learning about how to be the most efficient with my time, but I’ve now learned to allocate my time more wisely. Instead of wasting it away on things like online shopping and Hulu, I now “waste” it at the gym.

The gym makes me happier. It makes me sleep better. It makes me choose healthier foods. Most importantly, it makes me feel as if I have self-worth.

Regardless of what grades I may have, regardless of what internships I may land, regardless of what my professors and peers may think of me, I believe in myself because I prove to myself each and every day that I am stronger, faster, better.

It’s hard to feel worthy and smart in a high-ranked law school because everyone is intelligent and hard-working. It’s hard to stay on top of all the work you have to do. It’s hard to find a summer internship. But somehow, by running longer and faster, by squatting more and lifting heavier every day, I know that I will be able to handle all the curve balls that come my way.

I’m making time for what’s important: me.

Have you made time for yourself recently?

What’s important to you?

First 5K of 2011

Jess — Fri, 28 Jan 2011 19:06:52 +0000

I finally did it.

On Wednesday night, January 26, I finally ran my first 5K of 2011.

To be honest, it was my first 5K in a few months. To think that I used to believe that 3.1 miles was a “short” distance.

I realized that comparing my current self to my past running self isn’t realistic and instead of motivating me, depresses me. So I stopped comparing and looked forward. I had to shake off the past in order to move towards the future.

I’ve been consistently going to the gym with my little bag that could. I don’t find excuses, and although I have not been counting my calories, I’ve been listening to my body, feeding it when it’s hungry, giving it nutritious foods and not garbage.

And that’s why I was finally able to run my first 5K in a long time.

My body felt strong. My mind was determined. I was invincible. I felt like Forrest Gump. Ok, maybe not that fast.

But it felt amazing to finally run 3.1 miles. After I finished, I had the biggest grin on my face. It’s things like this that make all the hard work, all the effort, worth it. The feeling of accomplishment is priceless.

My 5K time was 38:04. Slow, but it doesn’t matter. What matters is that I finished what I started.

Now I can continue moving towards bigger goals. 10K, I’m coming for you.

What have you accomplished recently?

My Inspiration

Jess — Thu, 27 Jan 2011 01:39:21 +0000

I was contacted by 4all to try out to be a brand ambassador. I was encouraged to write a post about…

What or who inspired you to start a fitness routine
and
how are you planning to gain power in the New Year?

As I was running tonight on the treadmill, my mind kept coming back to the question of who or what inspired me.

To be honest, my first motivation is vanity. When I weighed 263 pounds, the first thing that motivated me to move more, eat healthier, was because I wanted to be thin. I wanted to buy cute clothes. I wanted to look good. I had the brains, I wanted the bod.

But as time passed, I realized that vanity is not enough. The pounds may shed quickly in the beginning, but the quest for health is a process that spans over a lifetime. When you focus on looking good, well, that “inspiration” fades quickly.

My real inspiration comes from my parents.

At my heaviest, I was always quarreling with my mom about my weight. Always. It seemed like the only thing she could do was pick on me about how fat I was. Even though I was huge, my mom had a way of making me feel small and inferior based on my appearance.

It took me a long time to understand that my mom wasn’t concerned about my appearance so much as she was concerned about my health. She wanted me to be healthy, not thin. She could care less what I weighed, but she didn’t want me to get type II diabetes. She didn’t want me to die from a heart attack at an early age. She wanted me to live long so I could accomplish great things.

As I’ve become more fit, as I’ve continued on my quest for health, I can see the brightness and joy in my parents’ eyes. They’re proud of me for all that I have accomplished, not just academically, but also physically and mentally. Seeing my parents genuinely beam with pride is priceless. They don’t boast about my weight loss. Rather, they’re proud that I have learned to set and achieve my goals. They’re happy that I no longer have sleep apnea. They’re in awe that I ran a half marathon.

And knowing that they want the best for me, that they want to see me healthy and fit, that they want to see me hit new milestones in life, motivates and inspires me to train every day.

As an only child, I have a lot of pressure to perform well, and knowing that my weight and health no longer trouble my parents at night, knowing that my mom doesn’t have to fret about my fitness, gives me a sense of peace and satisfaction.

What started out as a plain old quest for beauty turned into a journey towards health with a focus on family. I feel as if I can connect with my parents more now. I can communicate with them and I know when to stick up for myself.

I am gaining power in 2011 by learning how to budget my time better. It sounds so simple, but it isn’t. People make time for things that are important to them, no matter how busy they claim to be.

Do I want to skip the gym after a long day of class? Yes, sometimes, but I keep in mind the sense of accomplishment I feel after a great workout.

I finally ran my first 5K in 2011, which is also my first 5K in a few months. It felt good. I felt strong. And that is something money can’t buy.

I am planning to gain power by running a marathon sometime in 2011. And hopefully a triathlon. This all takes time, but with a training schedule, determination and diligence, I can do it.

I will gain power in 2011 by not succumbing to that nagging voice in the back of my mind telling me to give up. I will not find excuses to skip the gym. I will not use excuses to eat like crap. Because I’ve got big things to strive for, big milestones to accomplish.

What inspires you to move?

What are your goals for 2011?

How will you achieve these goals?

One Solid Step at a Time

Jess — Tue, 25 Jan 2011 18:27:02 +0000

When I was little, my mom always told me that in order to succeed in life, you’ve got to take one solid step at a time.

一步一腳印
yi bu yi jiao yin

Translated literally from Chinese to English, this means: one step, one footprint.

Chinese proverbs never seem to fail. In order to get anywhere, especially to establish a solid foundation, you’ve got to take one step at a time.

If you leap too far ahead, you’re likely to trip, fall and injure yourself.

Sometimes, I really should listen to my mother.

Applying this one solid step at a time mentality to running, I’ve realized that the way I got to running from nothing to a half marathon last year was because I was dedicated and trained myself every single day. I was always in training mode. I listened to my body, I built up a solid foundation of miles, and I pushed myself.

I didn’t try to go from no miles to ten miles in one day. I took it one step at a time, one mile at a time. And it worked.

I am ditching the mentality that I’ve regressed and just focusing on starting with a clean slate.

So I might not be able to run a sub-10 minute mile right now, but that’s ok. I will get there eventually.

If I stick with it, I will continue to improve.

I’ve been running at least a mile consistently almost every single day, and it’s gotten easier.

I did sprint intervals yesterday and was able to sprint at a 6.5mph pace for a quarter mile. And I wasn’t out of breath or in pain.

Sometimes, I just have to give myself time.

Each step I take has to be solid because I need to build a foundation so I can continue to add miles. Instead of focusing on the 13.1 or 26.2 miles ahead in the future, I’m focusing on what I can do today that will impact and improve my running.

Trying to skip ahead, trying to run too much too quickly, will only lead to injury. And I don’t need that.

What I do need is…

Consistency.
Dedication.
Focus.

And so far, it’s working out well. I’ve set small goals for myself, and even though I’m a bit behind my training schedule, I’ve made a ton of progress in just a few short weeks. It feels good to be able to run again.

I have yet to run a full 5K, but I know that I will be at that point soon enough.

One solid step at a time.

What proverbial genius have your parents bestowed upon you?

How do you go about focusing on taking one step at a time?