For the past few months, I have completely disregarded numbers.

I have stopped counting calories, logging miles, weighing myself daily, measuring things.

And the results have not been pleasant.

For the majority of my first semester, I was doing great without counting calories. I wasn’t losing, but I wasn’t gaining either. Finally. Maintenance.

But as final exams started creeping up on me, I started to exercise less and binge more. I found reasons to eat a whole pint of ice cream. I found excuses to indulge. And I found reasons to not work out.

And when I went home for break? All hell broke loose.

I wolfed down everything in sight. It was as if the end of the world was around the corner. I over-indulged myself and in the two weeks I was home, I started to lose my sense of health.

My pants grew tighter, my face became rounder, I breathed heavier.

And now, 20 pounds later, I am teetering on the brink between the 180s and 190s.

Remember when I hit the 180s and vowed to never return to the 190s?

Well, shit bonkers (excuse the language) but I’m back in this pothole again.

The good thing is I can get myself out. The bad thing is, why the hell did I let myself get back here?

I am trying not to beat myself up about this, but really, I can only blame myself. I didn’t enjoy my food (ok, that’s a lie, I completely did) but I overindulged because I felt as if I could eat the stress away.

I have been avoiding posting any weigh-ins because I feel like I would be a bad role model, a bad example, a failure.

But truth is, I need to post my weigh-ins. They keep me grounded and focused on the small progress, and I need to see progress.

I want to feel accomplished again. I want to have my clothes fit well. I want to feel invincible.

But I have to earn these feelings. I have to work towards them. And lately, I’ve been wishy washy, like Charlie Brown. I will be super dedicated for four days, then reward my hard work with laziness.

So it’s time to change up the method. Now that I have implemented my Little Bag That Could system, it’s time to re-establish my eating routine.

It is tedious, writing and counting calories, measuring food and weighing things, but it works. It keeps me focused, controlled and balanced because I know exactly what I’m putting into my body.

Will I have to go through the process of posting my exercise and daily consumption logs again? Perhaps. If it keeps me accountable to myself, yes I will.

Do I have to work on focusing on being healthy and not just thin, thin, thin? Absolutely. And I know that even with all my training and exercising, I’m not healthy at the moment. I am not finding balance in my food, I’m not loving what I eat, because I feel guilty after eating it.

So it’s time to start counting again.

The calories. The miles. The gym time. The bench presses. The push-ups. The weekly weigh-ins.

Am I embarrassed that I’ve gained some weight back? Yes. But it’s time to face the truth and tackle my problems head on. I refuse to be an ostrich and pretend that my issues don’t exist.

Have you ever “fallen off the wagon?”

How do you find balance between life and your eating habits?